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Another open letter to my friends here at the HFC


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Most of you know I've struggled my whole life with addiction. Whether it's reptiles, music, guitars, amps, coins, fishing, smoking cigarettes, photography, gardening, or alcohol, it's all from an addictive personality.
 
Some of these activities have come and gone for various reasons either of my own choice or from tragic circumstances. The one activity that seems to blend with all the others is alcohol abuse. It seemed to be just one big long party that I really enjoyed and it didn't seem to affect my life in other areas that are important to me such as family, work, life in general, health, etc.
 
It wasn't until my son, Joel, died twelve years ago that I think it did begin to wreak havoc on all aspects of my life. So I began smoking weed is 2013 to curb my alcohol intake. I was drinking around 15 a night. My blood pressure was elevated and I had to go on meds for that. The weed helped to lower it more and helped me cut the alcohol intake a bit. But as the years passed my consumption went back up. It was a struggle to keep in under twelve a night.
 
Several weeks ago, maybe a few months ago, I tried counting out 10 beers out of the case and placing them on a shelf in the fridge and I'd try to drink only those. But, as the alcohol took a grip each evening I said, "Fuck it," and went in for more. Then I'd feel guilty in the morning and try to do better that evening.
 
A week, or ten days ago, I finally decided I had to do this before something worse than high blood pressure happens to me. At one point I didn't care if I lived or died but now I've decided I have more shit to do here in my little corner of the world.
 
You may or may not know that quitting cold turkey after this kind of alcohol abuse can cause sudden death. So I opted to wean myself off of it. I knew this would be tough because once I crack that first one I'm into it until bed. Or couch. Or floor. Once or twice the front porch. It's always weird to wake up there as people are walking down the sidewalk. But, I've done very well. I didn't want to "come out" and tell anyone until I felt I may make it. I've announced it before and just relapsed in the end. But this time is different.
 
I started out by counting out 9 on the shelf. The first night was really tough not to grab the 10th out of the case. But I didn't. And then I woke up feeling empowered. So the next night I did 9 again. Again I woke up and patted myself on the back. But, my body started feeling really strange. Like every cell was craving something. I thought it was water it was craving. But water didn't help. I knew my body needed more alcohol. I didn't give in and last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I drank less than 8 each night. Each morning there were 2 beer cans left on the shelf. So I counted out 9 beers instead of 10 and Monday and Tuesday there were 2 left on the shelf in the morning. I started hating that I had to drink to keep myself alive. It was like taking medicine. I didn't want it but knew I had to take it. Well, last night I only had 5 1/2. As I sit here my head is foggy and the feeling is back that my body needs something.
 
So in less than a week I have cut my consumption in half.
 
I decided to post this to you, my friends, because now there is no turning back. I'm going to kick this monkey in the ass and get him off my back. (It just occurred to me I should name it. I'm not good at naming things so what do you think?) I know I will need to avoid triggers, and that includes just about everything because everything always meant having a beer. Or ten.
 
This is probably my longest post and is a post about a very private matter but I think it will give me a shot in the arm when I need it to keep on the righteous path.
 
Initially I said to myself I wouldn't try to go from 7 to 6 until Monday, June 7th because of how my body was feeling. But less than 6 was a surprise last night.
 
By the way, my blood pressure has already dropped to near normal and yesterday I skipped my BP med.
 
Thank you for indulging me.
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Good to hear,   I quit 6 years ago  (maybe it's 7, stopped counting)...  really think it's a good thing that something 

told you to stop, some people NEVER get that message...    might want to stay in touch with your doctor but yeah,  good

job getting down from 15 a night (liver, kidney, and pancreas will thank you)   sounds like you are making progress.    

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You’ve got support here. And don’t be hesitant to reach out to the support systems you have in your immediate vicinity. There are people, programs, organizations, professionals, etc who are there to support you in what you need. I look at it like coaching. Even the greatest athlete in the world needs a coach to offer a third person perspective that can make the difference between winning and losing. Because, when you’re in the game, you can’t always be aware of everything at all times. Talent will only get you so far. Having the right coaching and support system will ensure you succeed. You’ve made the conscious choice. Now, work the system. You’ve got this. 

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Good on you, man!!!

What I've learned about stopping bad habits is that it's usually better not to think of it as quitting something but swapping it out for something better. I only drank 2-3 beers a night but my weight was rising higher so I started working out. Now, I usually come up with a big elaborate plan whenever I start anything and always bite off more than I can chew! This time I found a 7 minute (!!) workout on YouTube. It's so short that I feel ridiculous saying that I don't have the time for this. So, I actually do it! And, while I'm sweating and suffering through the workout I think how it sure would be easier if I didn't drink those beers last night. I started seeing results in the mirror, lost 20 pounds, and felt better too. Might be worth a try...

 

 

 

 

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33 minutes ago, Gabe said:

That is the right decision you have made, and you are doing very well. 
 

Proud of you, my friend!

👍

 

Gabe 😀

Thanks Gabe. Five last night was a fluke. I just finally fell asleep. It's kind of an odd feeling to force myself to drink 7. Sometimes my wife would come home from work and ask if she could have one of "my" beers. I'd have to look in the fridge and see if I could spare one. If not, I'd ask her to go get another case since I don't drive after drinking. Pretty sad when you have 10 beers in the fridge and you can't spare one for the spouse.  

30 minutes ago, DaveL said:

Good to hear,   I quit 6 years ago  (maybe it's 7, stopped counting)...  really think it's a good thing that something 

told you to stop, some people NEVER get that message...    might want to stay in touch with your doctor but yeah,  good

job getting down from 15 a night (liver, kidney, and pancreas will thank you)   sounds like you are making progress.    

Thanks for the inspiration, Dave. 

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Hey man, good on you for taking taking the steps that you see you need to take.  I applaud you as so many don't even see it in time.  

I'll share something I seldom do:  My grandfather on my mother's side was apparently pretty bad with the drinking (they didn't call it addiction or alcoholism in 1930s small town WV).   It was bad enough at a point, that my grandmother decided to divorce him in 1941 in this small WV town.  Add to this they were Catholic.  When I was about 7 or 8, we were going to visit this grandfather at his home, which would be my first time meeting him.  He had died in his home, fallen down stairs while he was drunk and had been there for probably a week based on the amount of mail piled up.  That affected me a lot as an 8 year old, partially because back then there wasn't open dialog about these things and partly because back then the adults would just give each other looks when discussing him.  As I grew up, I saw some of these tendencies in my older brother as well, so I chose not to do those things simply as a preventive measure.   I don't preach at anyone else not to do it, but just want to keep myself from the troubles I saw both of them (and some friends and bandmates along the way) have/get into.  

Find your motivation and keep it close. 

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Glad to hear you want to stop. August will mark 19 years for me, so I do know that abusing drugs and alcohol leads to Hell on Earth. Speaking from my experience, there's no such thing as weaning yourself off that shit. I tried that for years, and it didn't work for me. IMO, if you're serious about quitting, it's time to cut the bullshit, get honest with yourself, and do what it takes to quit. There's not even a little bit of shame in seeking help. Obsession is a dark hole, and I don't think there's such a thing as halfway out of that hole. You seem like a helluva good man, and I wish you all the best. If I can help in any way, feel free to message me. Good luck.

 

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  I'm sorry to hear about the death of your son. I think it would drive anyone to start drinking heavily, if it would happen to any of us. You're a strong person to admit how you feel about your loss & grief that you're feeling, what you think you need to work on, and how to take care of yourself with your current health issues. You have found some hobbies that occupy your time in a good constructive way. If you feel the need to go to a grief counselor or attend an AA meeting, there's no shame in that. You have my emotional support in your efforts to maintain sobriety and find your peace of mind. 

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Congrats for recognizing the need to do something. That’s a big step in many more big steps heading your way. I don’t drink and never really did.  But not being a drinker has not spared me the consequences of alcoholism as I’ve had a front row seat to that horror show. My adult son is a alcoholic and pretty much a non functioning  adult. He lives with us and it’s been a strain on me and my wife’s lives. There was no scenario that we played out that we would be in this position in our sixties. We’re just trying to keep him alive. A lot of bad days with a few good ones here and there. The most difficult thing for me is that helpless feeling you get of watching someone you love drift away and not being able to help because they aren’t looking for help. I don’t know if alcoholics understand how much that disease can hurt others besides them. If one of those bottles is calling for you think of the family and friends that want you to succeed as much as you want to succeed. One day at a time bro. You are in it for the long haul. 

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Michael, 

Congrats! You are strong and will conquer this just as you have conquered the other demons. You have support here and I will pray for you. You can and will do this. If I can help, just ask. 

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19 minutes ago, princeofdarkness56 said:

I don’t know if alcoholics understand how much that disease can hurt others besides them. 

They come to that understanding when they get serious about recovery and discover things like humility and accountability. 

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14 minutes ago, princeofdarkness56 said:

Congrats for recognizing the need to do something. That’s a big step in many more big steps heading your way. I don’t drink and never really did.  But not being a drinker has not spared me the consequences of alcoholism as I’ve had a front row seat to that horror show. My adult son is a alcoholic and pretty much a non functioning  adult. He lives with us and it’s been a strain on me and my wife’s lives. There was no scenario that we played out that we would be in this position in our sixties. We’re just trying to keep him alive. A lot of bad days with a few good ones here and there. The most difficult thing for me is that helpless feeling you get of watching someone you love drift away and not being able to help because they aren’t looking for help. I don’t know if alcoholics understand how much that disease can hurt others besides them. If one of those bottles is calling for you think of the family and friends that want you to succeed as much as you want to succeed. One day at a time bro. You are in it for the long haul. 

Damn man, reading this really hit home in my heart. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I'm really at a loss for words. I hope with lots of love you and your wife can pull him and yourselves through this. 

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1 hour ago, JGale said:

Ting. Continue taking the BP meds until your Doctor okays weaning you off them. BP meds are not PRN.

Yeah, that's a terrible idea. Not unlike detoxing from alcohol without medical supervision. That can kill a person just as easily as overdosing.

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Michael, kudos brother! This is no easy journey and as already stated, you've conquered arguably the hardest part in taking those first steps. See your doc and stay in touch here. Some on here have a lot of experience in dealing with various addictions and can likely offer more support than I can. My only addiction seems to be rubbin' one out and old age has more or less mitigated that affliction. ;)

Seriously, I think I can speak for all when I say, "we're here for ya."

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Good on you for recognizing how many things can be the subject of addictive tendencies. Alcohol in particular can be a real bitch. And those that smoke AND drink make it even harder on themselves as they seem to become entwined in behavior. There is a reason that such as AA give awards for time spent in sobriety. Keep rackin' up the days and watch them turn into weeks and months!

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way to go!   Good decision and never too late.  For anyone that's been there long enough, kicking this is not only backing down and away from it...  but also breaking the habits and the daily "how I go about things".   (the "triggers" as you put it)   For me that was equally as hard since that was pretty much baked in for years.  Part of my journey was not only making a change there, but also nutrition-wise.  It's made a huge difference.    My body has thanked me profusely.  And I've started doing things again that I used to do (and enjoy!)..  Good example..  posting again to the HFC.  Over time I was able to back off (with discussion w my doctor) on a few meds (actually all of them) I relied on.   

So keep at it.   

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A friend that's a psychologist once told me that you have to become addicted to days that you don't drink or do whatever you do.  Sounds easy, but it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.  

I told you on FaceBook.  I only have prayers.  It's all I can do.

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I know how you feel brother, I went from pills to weed to alcohol in my lifetime. Worst part was keeping it to myself, denying any so called "addiction".  At least you're  open about it and admit to it !! 

 "Jonesy" is tough, but he can be beat. I know a few people who went a few rounds with him, got knocked down,  but won the fight. He'll  even tempt you to get in the ring for another round, for old times sake,  just to see who's  tougher. But don't  give in to his tricks, he's a liar and a cheat and won all his bouts that way.  Just stand your ground, It'll be tough, but he'll walk away.  I'll  be praying for you Ting and a lotta brothers here also got your back.

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Holy Shit! 15 beers is a lot, and I'm in Wisconsin!

My wife's brother was a total asshole drunk and drove thru the back of his garage. His wife was done with it and laid down the law - get it together or she was taking the kids and leaving. That was 30 years ago and he hasn't had a drop since. He will on occasion now have an O'Doul's. Yuck. But he did it.

I had to move out of the city before a variety of substances killed me (rockstar lifestyle without all that nasty fame or money). Rented my father-in-law's farmhouse, raised chickens (before it was cool) and planted a garden. Probably saved my life.

You got this, Michael. Get into something - anything - healthy that will keep your brain occupied. Eventually the traces disappear. Good luck!

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